A head start for the modern world

Building meaningful connections adds value to our lives. I believe Esther Perel said it best, “The quality of your relationships determines the quality of your life.” Connecting and building relationships require honesty. Being honest with yourself and others. We are all different, but with the same innate desires. Following the ebb and flow of life that brings us together, we will naturally have our differences. I use to tell my student’s when they would rush to tell me how their classmates didnt appreciate their love of green sneakers, “Can you imagine how boring the world would be if we all thought the same way?”.

These differences can sometimes be misinterpreted, and instead of confronting the problem and “rocking the boat”, we choose to stay quiet. Internalizing it in our minds, never addressing the feelings, living with it inside you (another thought added to your mind today). You haven’t addressed the issue, so how can anyone rectify it. This issue is now crowding your mind and its getting a little busy in there. How can anyone else know that there was an issue to begin with? So the behaviors get repeated. Ultimately leading to a reaction that will have more regrets than resolve. The confrontation of these issues was always inevitable. Sparing others peace, at the cost of our own is a thing of the past now.

Trying to avoid confrontations, because the thought of addressing the issue seems a bit… taboo.

Addressing confrontation is not conflict, its clarity.

When you find yourself in a situation that makes you feel uncomfortable, don’t hide from it, your feelings are your super power. Feeling it and allowing it to be the stepping stone to build more meaningful connections. Give others a chance to know you. People are not going to sit and wonder about how your feeling, people typically are more concerned with their own emotions. I wouldn’t think twice of ensuring that those around me are emotionally stable, we are “adults” after all. Understanding that we are responsible for our own emotions, and processing them, without assuming others reactions is an act of valuing one-another.

We go about our day, thinking about our own lives, and keep on, keeping on. Because, well, why wouldn’t we?

When the confrontation would be a concern of mine, is if it was a result of my actions. I would love the opportunity to make it right. If I hurt someone’s emotions, unknowingly, I would hope to be given the grace and honesty to rectify it. When you hold in those feelings of being offended, from a mere moment of misunderstanding, it grows into consuming your day or a whole relationship full of passive aggressiveness. The battle that you are fighting with your emotions, with someone who does not know how you are feeling, turns into an added mental burden taking your peace. Letting your mind add on an extra feeling of aggression, takes away your ability to continue being present.

We think about our work, our families, our weekend plans, and now sprinkling angry thoughts about what someone else said and making sure you get your justice. The other person probably doesn’t even know how you feel. You are in a fight with yourself. If I encounter a grumpy person, I will just take it as them having a bad day. How can it be made right if you don’t say something? Your voice is a gift, use it. Let me show you how…

1. First, address what the issue is. “I feel hurt by… I took it as… did I do something to make you say this?”. Don’t assume they did it on purpose, give others a chance, the same chance you would like to be given.
2. Meet them at the same level of understanding. Take responsibility for yourself, too. “I know what it’s like to come off differently than I had intended, I’m not perfect.” Relate to them, maybe share a time when you said something that came out wrong. Maybe, even share a laugh about it.
3. Listen to their response, accept their response, and gain clarity for the future. You are now getting to know them, building a connection on honesty and understanding. Those feelings have now been set free. They aren’t yours anymore.

Being able to overcome issues together, strengthens the foundations of your relationships. Understanding one another, working towards a solution, and deepening bonds is the greatest reward.

Addressing issues might seem nerve wrecking, but we must ask ourselves what is the worst possible outcome. That would be if their actions were intentional. If the person that hurt you, chose to take the route of intentionally hurting you. Well, you just received the clarity you had been uncertain of. The unknown is now known. You fulfilled your emotional needs, and you are now free.

Confrontation is addressing your truth in how you think, feel, and have experienced. Free yourself from yourself. Don’t let a passing moment, become a life sentence. The real punishment is the one we live with in our minds, it follows us everywhere we go, and we deserve justice, too. Once you start confronting things you’ve held on to tightly, the lighter and lighter the load you carry starts to feel. Free at last.

“A crowded mind, leaves no space for a peaceful heart”, Christine Evangelou.

The key to your freedom, has been with you this whole time.